Lets do it again!

Hello everyone this is note is on the better side things have been going better for me so far knock on wood, as I say that I still have the pain and things but other then that My stomach has been keeping things down!  Today I finally was surprised by my best friend and she came to see me and visited with me for awhile we even went outside and chatted that was the first time her and I had done that in a long time!  It was a great feeling!  Well tomorrow I go to the foot Dr to have my foot looked at the xrays just showed swelling in the foot.  So they feel I need better xrays!  I haven't seen my foot Dr in a year so this visit will be a good one I can't wait to here how he and his staff our doing!  I have been working with one of  the other residents on getting stuff sent to our troops over seas!  I actually got to talk with my adopted mother tonight and that felt great and getting the News she will be in town soon is even better!  I love my adopted family to death!  They make me feel like a human being!  They Understand what all I have been going through and have been there for me to cry on they're shoulder or for encouragement!  I need the encouragement the most from them it makes me feel good that some one is actually there to help me and to give me a understanding ear!  Well I have found out the other day one of the lady's I talk with we share the same birthday and she has been really nice and helping me out with things so tomorrow I'm going to try and help her out by making her a name tag for her wheelchair!  I hope that I'm able to do what she would like me to do for her!  She has been so nice to me and helpful its not funny!  Today I was able to return the favor and be there for her she wasn't feeling good so I went and checked on her like she did while I was sick!  Also today I learned its not always how a person acts its how they feel in the moment and what they are willing to do I have been helping out keep a man busy to keep his mind away from being in his room where he can fall and get hurt it doesn't hurt to be a listening ear and maybe you might just learn stuff from it all!  I also went and met one of the staffs grandmothers today and introduced myself trying to get her into doing some more things and I kept her from feeling so alone so that made me feel good!  Maybe that is why God put me here so that I can keep others company!  The fact that I'm keeping them company is also helping me feel not so alone either!   Thank you Lord for giving me the things I need the sun and the rain and the Appleseed the Lord is good to me!  I love you! Until next time Anne

The Next Road of my Journey!

Hello everyone it has been awhile since my last entry but that is because I ended up getting worse then I was at the time.  I ended up being admitted to the hospital a few days after the last post. They found out that I do indeed have pancreatitus again!  At least we have some answers to why I was so sick at the time I'm able to tolerate soft bland foods again until today I started last night getting really sick to my stomach and the pain got really bad I started getting sick all over again I'm sitting here right now with the dry heaves again!  Just got my zofran so hopefully they end soon! I do have some crackers tonight to try if it doesn't stop!  Well as for my Journey through all of this it has been a bumpy road for me once again being in the hospital with no way of getting a hold of some people sucked I felt so alone there!  I once again was admitted with no visitors at all!  The one Visitor I had was always with me and that is God He helped me get through another hard time!  I prayed a lot as I was being taken to the hospital and I had some answered prayers this was the first time I was in the Er and I actually had someone with me it was a great feeling!  I'm so glad that God answered my prayer and had a friend come and meet me in the Er!  When she prayed over me i felt the touch of Gods arms reaching out to me and helping me for the first time that night I hadn't thrown up at all!  With Gods touch and the meds they finally met each other and helped me!  A lot of my Medical issues I have been alone for when I get bad news or any kind of news!  I have had many procedures and things alone!  But I Haven't been truly alone I have had my Guardian Angels and God by my side I truly believe that My mom is right with me through all of this but I'm still human and would love to be just held by her one more time!  While at the hospital I had a great experience while I was sleeping one night in my dreams I was being held by my Aunt and she just held me as if to tell me everything is going to be ok well that day I was able to start keeping some fluids down and things were working for the best!  At this Point and stage of the game I have decided I will not let the Dr's. put a feeding tube in me no matter what I don't want to rely on liquid food to keep my body going its in the Lords hands and what he wants for me will happen at this point!  I know some of you are reading this say no she cant do this but I have been struggling with this Idea for a long time now and I have finally had enough of all of it!  I trust and believe in our Lord with all of my heart!  He has brought me back to life several times so If its in his will for me to live I will!  I have made this decision with many of you in my mind and I have put all of you through hell the last few years and I don't want to keep doing that at all!  I started to do this Journal because I wanted to see how I would do with writing things down like this cause its hard for me to discuss this with anyone with out crying and I wanted to see how my life changes from one day to another!  Today though I took a few steps backwards and started vomiting again it hasn't been easy at all then on top of that today the aide I had took and ran my chair on too my foot and now they think i might of broken my foot! I already have problems getting up and down can you imagine if I broke the foot!  all over the fact that I asked to take a shower today Its my shower day anyway!  I just wish instead of people saying they will give me my shower if they have a problem with it just come out and say it instead of doing it even though you don't want to! My stomach hurts me big time I wish this pain and nausea would go away and never come back!  In 10 days it will be my 36th birthday My cousin said I should celebrate but I don't really feel up to it at all!  Who knows maybe by then I will feel much better and feel like celebrating I would love to get to eat corned beef and latkes for dinner or lunch and have my Carrot cake or dq cake!  But who knows what the next 10 days will bring!  I really want to feel good that is the only thing I want for my birthday this year is to feel normal again! Well I think I will sign off for tonight I hope to be able to do this again tomorrow if my Internet service will allow me too.Love and Prayers!!! Anne

day 2

Hello again friends, well this is day 2 of my journal as I lay here in my bed at the nursing home a lot of things have come to mind of what I want to talk about today!  If it wasn't for the technology today I wouldn't be able to keep in reach with two of my favorite people thanks to skype I'm able to see and talk to my Aunt who is dear to my heart she is in Oklahoma and I'm in Ohio we usually play canasta together but neither one of us has been up to playing much at all! I enjoy just getting to talk with her cause she was in a nursing home after she got her new hip I didn't get to talk to her much at all but I prayed and she got better and got to come home she might be able to come and see me in September which I'm really looking forward to!  I really need a mom figure to be with me right now its been a rough road and I really would like to have my own mom with me I know in spirt she is watching over me and that is what keeps me going. 
   The other Person I talk to on skype is my cousin Penny she is more of a sister to me then a cousin she lets me vent and discuss what all is going on with me she has the heart of gold and I enjoy spending time talking and hanging out with her we also Play farmville together and when I'm not doing good she keeps my farm up for me!  If it wasn't for the support from them and from a few close friends I don't know how I get through each and everyday!  I end my day by talking to them thanks to the wonderful technology that we have! 
Right now as I lay here typing this I'm sick to my stomach and in a lot of pain, I started getting really sick to the point I have been bringing up bile I'm getting really tired of being so sick I just want to be able to eat and drink like a normal person and not have to worry will I get sick from that.  My stomach was doing good until I had an asthma attack and was put on high doses of solu-medrol which is a steroids for those of you that didn't know!  I was told that Prednisone and things were killing my body slowly I have gone back down to my regular dose of prednisone but I still cant eat anything and I feel my stomach is getting worse.  When I was sent back to the nursing home not being able to eat and things I told my Dr. of 12 years that I felt the Medical community just doesn't care about me anymore and he said its not me its my insurance.  I feel its a crying shame that you get judged by your insurance here in the united states, what is this world coming to. As we all wait to see if we are going to be paid next month and a lot of us depend on that check to keep us going or to live on its a shame that we have to go through all of this cause Our country doesn't know how to budget well if all of the politicians would cut there pays and all of the fancy perks they have maybe we wouldn't be so broke!  off my soap box now and back to me!  I saw my lung Dr on Monday and he said my lungs are sounding alright but my stomach is crap and that I need to call and get into my gastrologist to see what they can do to help me if anything well I called on Tuesday like I was suppose to and they said the first available appointment was august 17 so they put me with the secretary to see if she can work something out to get me in sooner well she talked to me and told me to hang on that she would get back to me on what the Dr wants to do by today well today has come and went and no phone call at all!  I called her again and told her I was getting worse but I still hadn't heard from her.  I hope and pray that they will figure out something soon because I'm getting tired of throwing up and being in pain.  The nursing home is getting tired of me being sick like this the nurses are getting on my case cause I cant eat and things its not my fault the last time this happened to me I was unable to eat for 3 months and then I was only able to eat bland foods no meat or things of that nature for 5 months then I finally was able to tolerate to eat normal foods that only lasted a few months now I have to start all over again I'm praying that its not that long for me cause my 36th birthday is coming up and I would like to be able to have dinner brought into me!  I have lost 40lbs so far since this started I'm happy about the weight loss but not about the way it is happening!  Ginger ale has been my best friend lately but sometimes I cant even tolerate it!  I'm thankful to the few friends I have made here that have been coming to see me and keep me company!  I have two terrific aides here that are the best to me the have helped me when I'm down and been great encouragement to me when I was doing better.  If it wasn't for them sometimes I wonder how I would be treated when they aren't here it doesn't seem like anybody gives a dam when I ask for anything they act like I'm asking for the world but all I buzz for is my meds and for my ginger ale and that is the only time I bug them.  Its pretty sad when  they tell me oops we didn't order your medicine so sorry you don't get what you need!  I just don't understand that when I Dr. says you need something they should keep it on hand and not wait till you run out of meds to do something about it!  I'm sitting her now waiting for nausea meds and pain meds  I have been waiting over an hour now.  I know I'm not the only patient here but when you can here them horsing around and things you start to wonder!  Heck they turn off my iv and leave it off for hours at a time cause they feel I shouldn't be on it not the Dr feels that way but the nurse!  I have had stomach issues since 2002 the first time I had pancreatitus I have had it several more times since then one time i had it for a year and a half I ended up with a feeding tube to get ride of it!  After that battle with pancreatitus I have had major stomach issues since.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!  I haven't been well enough to do my crafts or anything I haven't felt well enough even to get out of bed.  I miss going to the church service here and to coffee shop the only thing is I feel so out of place cause I'm the youngest one here but for the most part people are nice to me!  I have my friends and I have my enemies but in today's world who doesn't.  I have a lot of people who judge me for my weight and that bugs the heck out of me cause God didn't make us all skinny and he certainly didn't want us all to look alike if that was his intention we would be in big trouble cause we would all be at each others throat all the time!  I for one am glad that I have the heart of gold and where I want to do for others and they would do to me!  that is the Golden rule of life and if everyone follows it we would get along much better no one is better then the next person we all came from the same place maybe different times and parents but from the almighty God! With being overweight you are miss treated thinking you want to be that way and that you are lazy and all you do is eat I have been judge like that many times but you know what I'm not that way I was born heavy and then on top of that my medication that I take doesn't help!  I have tried many times to loose weight last year matter of fact I lost 120 lbs yes most of the year I was sick but I did it!  I don't eat all the time and when I do eat I eat things in moderation like I was taught to do.  But with that I gained a lot of weight when my body filled up with fluid and they have no reason why at this stage and game i really don't care about my weight I just care about being myself and enjoying what I do have!  God has given me a third chance on life so I want to live it for what it is!  Please say some prayers that they find a new medication to treat my asthma so that I can start eating and being myself again!  Until tomorrow Love and Prayers Anne

I have finally found out how to start journaling here on the net day 1!

Hello I just want to start by saying my name is Anne for those of you that know me I have been struggling through the last several years.  It all started when I lost my Mom my best friend in the whole world I don't think I have ever gotten over her death and the fact that I couldn't save her!  I will never forget the day she died it was Sept. 10,1996, I had just turned 21 a few weeks before that Mom was there for so many people and no one was able to safe her!  When the er Dr. came in the room and said that we had tried everything my heart just sank I knew before he even finished the sentence and I slammed out of the room and I hit my brother with the door as I was exiting the room I couldn't handle the fact she was gone!  Well the weeks that had followed I had fell into a deep depression and I didn't realize what all was going on with myself but thankfully a friends of the family were there to help me and never let me feel alone even if it was late at night!  I was trying like hell to get my life together and it kept falling apart it seemed I was going to therapy and trying to get on the right track.  As I was trying to get my health straightened out cause I had gotten hurt on the job and my arm wasn't getting better they diagnosed me with rsd which later on I found out I didn't have it so I had gone through treatments that I didn't need so I put my body through hell and it didn't help at all!  At that point I got a second opinion and found out that I didn't have rsd that the nerve blocks had done more damage then good!  Well after my mom died the family seemed to go there own ways and split apart no one talked or helped anyone out!  I ended up moving in my sisters house over some problems my dad and I had he was trying to control me and I didn't like it!  I lived with her for approximately 5 months then I went back home after being mistreated!   I was at my dads with my brother and father the three of us got along good and I was hanging out with my brother more and doing things it felt good we where even trying to talk my dad into getting a pool but it never happened!  My dad worked a bingo program that i had helped work at so I was back doing that and being with all the people up there it was a good time after bingo we always went to the Rush to get a few drinks or just to socialize it was a good time well one time when we came home we had found out that my brother had committed suicide in the garage so that had hit me even harder he was my buddy in life I wont go into the story of his death but it was hard on me!  His name was John I wont forget his laugh or is smile John loved to be a jokester! He was the one in the crowd that wanted to make people laugh and have a good time!  Well after Johns death I had a D & C and the Dr that did it scraped to much and I ended up with infections and very sick so I ended up getting a second opinion and with that I had a Cat scan which started my medical problems with the scan they give you a contrast dye that I'm allergic too and it caused my body to shut down! After they brought me back to life I had developed asthma and allergies I didn't even know what asthma was at the time heck i used to smoke it wasn't much but I did. Well during all of this I also accepted Jesus Christ in to my life I prayed and I found friends that cared and where there for me after I had been diagnosed with asthma is when my health started going down hill!  I was put on inhalers and things to help me breathe I was also started on my road of Prednisone the love hate drug I didn't realize how bad that drug is until I had been on it for a long time and the side affects from it alone is not good I gained weight, my bones are disintegrating, I have cataracts at the age of 35, I'm in a nursing home and now I'm once again dealing with a bad stomach cause they think my last episode of an asthma attack,  I will talk more on the challenges I have had and gone through in many of my posts I just thought this would help me keep my mind going and help me deal with everyday issues by making a journal alot of you will wonder what I have done I have prayed to God and had the encouragement of a lot of great people in my life! If it wasn't for friends and things I don't know how I would of made it this far.